FROM LOVE ADVICE
TO STAIN REMOVAL...

Dear Readers,

After I was (unfairly) disqualified by that rotten ref during my title fight with Crusher the Coward, my life hasn't been the same. I was suspended from the Pro-Wrestling circuit until the UFW reviews my case. Last month the National National Inquisitor approached me about writing an advice column and since times are tough and my lawyers don't work pro bono, I agreed. I just want to make it perfectly clear that I do not have a drug problem, and no, Betty Ford does not have a bed on "stand-by" for me. That said, I invite you to send me letters asking about anything from love advice to stain removal!
Send e-mail to misknomer@slowburn.com.

Miss Know-It-All

Dear Miss Know-It All,

I'm a happily married, healthy dude in my early-forties. My wife adores me. I'm a great father, and an active member of our church. Unfortunately, I have a little problem. I can't stop having cheap, meaningless sex. Morally, this isn't a problem for me, but I do regret never having told my wife what has been going on behind her back. Do I risk losing my wonderful life in order to assuage my guilt around my numerous extra-marital affairs? I don't know if I can be faithful to my wife and stop running around on her. I need a woman's perspective, what should I do?

Peter Pan

Dear PP,

GROW UP!
We all want to stay children. I'd like to be a little girl under the firm hand of a loving father, but I'm not. I'm a full-grown, lethal but glamourous professional wrestling DIVA! What is this "a wonderful life" business anyway? Is the wonderful part that you can prowl through your parish for fast girls at the Daddy-Daughter Roller Skate Jamboree? A real wolf in sheep's clothing, if you ask me, which you did. Or do you enjoy keeping secrets from your wonderfully "unaware" wife? Well let me tell you a wonderful little secret. Your wife knows. I knew before I even opened your letter.

What draws us to a one night stand is that it's like the first time and the last time all rolled up into one. You're craving excitement and spontainaiety in your life. But don't forget, if you only eat the cherries in your fruit cocktail, you're gonna open a whole lot of cans but never be satiated. And I heard somewhere that they're just grapes soaked in formaldehyde, then dyed pink. But I digress.

Are you and your wife skipping through "wonderland" together or are you really committed to each other? Do you feel like she doesn't satisfy you anymore? Maybe you're not even sure that you love her? Well maybe she's thrown herself into her work while you've been huntin' chicken. Maybe her carreer is filled with stress and anxiety, and are you there to comfort her after a rough night? Maybe she's had a really fucking hard time lately dealing with the allegations of cheating and vallium addiction... Not to mention having to take this crummy job after that fixed match...dealing with whiners like you just to pay the second mortgage on my vacation home in Kokomo Bay...

For God's sake, convert to Catholicism. Confess! Confess! Confess! It works for me!

Next question!


Dear Miss Know-It-All,

How do I keep my boyfriend from looking at other men?

Jealous

Dear Jealous,

Gouge his eyes out.


Dear Miss Know-It-All,

I have often admired your delicate treatment of poodles. And now I have a delicate question of my own. My poodle, Amaretto, has blocked anal glands, what should I do?

Stuck in Sacramento

Dear Stuckie,

Sacramento isn't such a bad place. For this question, I asked my good friend and fan, Dr. Robert Runyan at the UC Davis Pet Clinic. He was so taken by your plea for help, that he decided to create a page specifically to teach pet owners the dangers of blocked anal glands and how to express them before they explode. Ask your vet about anal glands - I guarantee you'll be as fascinated as I was.

One thing my Doc told me is that impacted anal glands are the number one cause of "scooting" nationwide. And if I'm remembering correctly, early detection and treatment is vital, otherwise your poodle's anus may have to be tragically removed. And we wouldn't want that, would we? Nobody really knows what causes blocked anal glands in poodles. But just out of curiosity, you're not spoiling Amaretto with one too many cream-laden dairy delights, are you? Hmm? There are two easy ways to help prevent your poodle from painting the carpet brown. The first is to impress upon your poodle the importance of a low-fat diet. Second, whenever you have your pet groomed, make sure the groomer expresses your dog's anal glands. He'll know what you mean.

If I had only known all those years ago that my poor Miniature Poodle Chucha's chronic scooting was her way of expressing herself, I might have interpreted those gentle scoots differently, as they were, a cry for help...


Dear Miss Know-It-All,

I'm in desperate need of plastic surgery, but I can't afford it on my salary as a flight-attendant. Any suggestions?

Flatchested in France

Dear Chester,

Often the answer is right under one's nose. Take your busom and fly to Caracas. While vacationing in the country boasting the largest number of Miss Universes, you can have yourself "augmented" in the foremost Institute of Plastic Surgery, the Plastic Surgery Institute, or el Instituto de Cirujía Plastico. Insist on local anesthesia. What may begin as a boob-job could wind up as gender reassignment.



IN THE RING WITH ROSA!